Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
