Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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