I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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