The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
