Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
