I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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