dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
