I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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