Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
