I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
