Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
