dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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