I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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