Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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