He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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