I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
