If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
