The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
