the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
