dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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