her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
