I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
