like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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