enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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