Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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