I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
