UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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