twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
