yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
