I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
