My first STD was from a foam party
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
