I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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