don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
