I faked an abortion last night.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
