the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
