Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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