someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
