Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
