I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
