I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
