i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
