So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
