Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
