There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
