We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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