the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize