I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
