Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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