I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
