All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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