i wish there were pregnant emoticons
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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