member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
