got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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