Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
