i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
